Today my depression is surprisingly low. I would say a 3 or 4 out of 10.
It just amazes me how my moods change so drastically from one day to the next. Two days ago, on Monday, I had a rough day at work and I was just miserable and struggled with suicidal thoughts all day. Everyone experiences challenges and stress in day-to-day life, but to the emotionally and psychologically sensitive/fragile such normal stress can be devastating. After listening to positive affirmations all week and really, really trying hard to turn around some of my negative and pessimistic thought patterns, it only took one day to push me back into the pit of despair. It’s so frustrating. On Monday I cried, got in a fight with my husband, told him I couldn’t take my job anymore and that I was going to buy a bus ticket and run away. Then I slept for the rest of the day.
My husband is now used to my sudden and abrupt changes in mood, but dealing with them still causes him a lot of stress and concern. On Monday he said he was going to call my mother and sister to tell them that I need help. I think the only reason he didn’t call is because he suspected that I would wake up the next day in a better mood. He was right. Yesterday I was in a great mood all day. I went to my other job and was able to talk to some positive people at work. Nothing negative or upsetting happened, the day was pretty relaxed and peaceful and I was able to get all of my work done. Thankfully the positive mood has lasted into this morning and this afternoon. I’m preparing to go to work and I actually feel like I have enough energy to genuinely smile and handle whatever issues or problems the customers will throw my way. But I know that this period of emotional calm could easily become an overwhelming storm if the conditions present themselves. But I will try to not feel anxious by focusing on this possibility. Today I am going to try and just focus on feeling secure in every moment of the day, and not focus on all the possible scary scenarios that I might have to deal with. Worrying about such possibilities used to cause me to have panic attacks, but I trained my mind in therapy to understand that even in the very worst scenario, if I were to have a mental breakdown at work for instance and couldn’t talk or function at all, that some kind-hearted person would help me and I would survive, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Of course I still hope this never happens, but it helps to remind my brain that it doesn’t have to panic about non life-or-death situations that might possibly occur.