The last few days have been rough. Yesterday the depression was definitely a 7 out of 10. Today it feels the same.
It’s so frustrating not knowing what causes my depression spells. I had a normal weekend. The weather was beautiful. It’s mid-October in north Florida and the air is finally cooling. The leaves are changing. It finally feels like fall. I love October. I love Halloween. But all weekend I felt like a zombie, I slept through most of the day, and I didn’t want to do anything.
I used to get excited for Halloween. I would look forward to watching scary movies, putting up decorations, making a costume, and carving a pumpkin. But I haven’t been able to celebrate the last couple of years. I don’t think I will be able to celebrate this year either. I’ve just been too depressed.
I have noticed that I get very depressed when I spend time with my husband on the weekends. Not every weekend, but often. All he talks about is work, and how we don’t have any money. The only activities that we do anymore is go to the store, walk the dogs, eat together, watch re-runs of old shows that we’ve seen a million times, talk about money, and clean the apartment. We rarely do anything fun together because we don’t have any money and because we don’t enjoy the same leisure activities. He likes to go out to bars, drink with his friends, and talk about history. I like to hang out with friends and play games or stay home and work on art projects.
I still love him and always will, he is and has been an important person in my life. But I haven’t felt “in love” since the beginning of 2012. It’s been over three years since I felt happy with our relationship and marriage. We’ve been through marriage counseling twice in that time, for a total of 5 months. Although some behavior patterns have improved and we haven’t had an explosive argument in a long time, I still feel disconnected and an absence of intimacy, trust, and love between us. I know that he is angry about my situation. It’s hard for him to understand my mood swings. And he is still bitter about my employment struggles and the fact that I only work part-time right now for minimum wage. It’s painful for me, because I want to have a better job and I want to make more money. But even after finishing my bachelor’s degree I still can’t get a livable wage job. My interviews are always horrible, thanks to my anxiety and the dark cloud that follows me everywhere. I applied to dozens of jobs this year, and at the end of summer I was so exhausted from writing cover letters and preparing for interviews. When I finally got a job as a secretary at a local health club, I told myself no more, I need to rest. I actually like my job and the people I work with right now, it’s very low-stress, and this is exactly what I need right now. He says he understands, but I don’t feel that he does.
I don’t know what to do. I feel guilty when we are together and I feel too depressed to talk or to enjoy the mundane activities we share. I know that I should be sensitive to his experience, feelings, and needs. It’s just so hard to be a good partner when I feel so dark and empty. This is why on multiple occasions I have suggested that we separate for a while, so that he can focus on his work and life and I can focus on mine. But he doesn’t like this idea and insists that we stay together.
Right now the only therapies that I have are writing, music, and exercise. I didn’t journal over the weekend, and I should have. I already feel better. I just wish I could pick myself up from this low. It’s so heavy.